How To Grow Taller: 3 Ways To Increase Your Height
Yeah, I know. This is a weird one. But please, bear with me.
See, as any regular reader of mine already knows, this is a website about things like losing fat, building muscle and every relevant aspect thereof (diet, weight training, cardio, supplements, etc.).
Which I guess is why I’ve always found it kinda strange that – probably a couple of times a month, for nearly a decade – someone will contact me to ask about how to grow taller.
Now, years ago, I used to wonder why I was getting these questions. I mean, I write about increasing strength and muscle mass, so maybe I might also know something about increasing… height?
Who knows. But these days I no longer wonder why people come to me with this question. Instead, I want to take the time to properly answer it once and for all. So, without further ado…
The 3 Best Ways To Grow Taller
The obvious best way to grow taller is to simply experience puberty. After all, puberty is the period of time in our lives when we all grow in height (among other things). So, how do you grow taller? That’s easy… sit back, relax and let puberty do its thing.
There’s just one tiny problem with this. The people who ask me this question are ALWAYS people who have already gone through puberty.
Meaning, people who have already been through the natural-growing stages that occur during our teenage years. Meaning, people whose heights have increased as high as their genetics would allow.
And now, it’s done. It’s all over. The growing has stopped.
What’s the problem with this, you ask? Some people just aren’t happy with the height they ended up being.
And so this leads us to a very specific question: how do we increase our height after puberty?
Well, here now are the only 3 scientifically proven methods for making it happen…
1. The Zoltar Method
This first method requires a fairly simple 4-step process that has a 100% success rate. Here’s what you need to do:
- First, find a Zoltar machine. (Pictured below.)
- Second, unplug the machine. This part is crucial.
- Third, put in the required amount of money and make a wish to be taller. Or, more specifically, make a wish to be “big.”
- Last but not least, go home and go to sleep. When you wake up the next morning, it will have already worked. Enjoy your new awesome height!
I know what you’re thinking. There’s no way this will actually work, right?
Um, wrong. And I can prove it. Here is clear real-world evidence that this method literally works overnight:
Boom! That’s a legit before and after shot. You’re welcome.
2. The Time Machine Method: Parental Switch Version
This second method is going to be a bit trickier, as I’m quite iffy on the specifics of exactly what you’ll need to do and how you’re going to actually do it.
But let’s ignore that for now and focus on the big picture of what this method entails, which is this…
Find a time machine (or build your own… whichever you prefer). Then, go back and prevent your parents from ever meeting, thus preventing your own birth. Then, locate two better, significantly taller people who are going to be much more likely to pass on better, taller genetics to their children… and then convince them to get together and be your parents.
Give that a few years/decades to play out, and boom! There’s a damn good chance you’ll end up being taller than you currently are. Simple as that!
(Yes, I know there are a few time-travel plot holes to this method (e.g. if you go back and prevent your own birth, you would cease to exist and therefore not be able to go back to do any of this in the first place). And yes, there is the minor issue of the fact that these two new parents will lack the exact sperm and egg combination needed to create you. But hey, I can’t be expected to think of everything here. I’m just a fitness dude on the internet. I’ll leave the rest in your hands. Let me know how it goes.)
3. The Time Machine Method: Puberty Redo Version
This final method is similar to the previous method in that it also involves a time machine, but the plan of action after using said time machine is way more simple and straight forward here.
In this case, you will need to go back to the day before you started puberty.
Then, you must talk your prepubescent self into ensuring that you/they get a sufficient amount of sleep every single night for the entire duration of your/their teenage years, eat a sufficient overall diet that provides a sufficient amount of macronutrients (protein, fat, carbs) and micronutrients(various vitamins and minerals) for the entire duration of your/their teenage years, and live an overall healthy lifestyle in general for the entire duration of your/their teenage years.
Doing so won’t cause you to grow any taller than your genetics have already predetermined you to be, but going through puberty with dietary and lifestyle factors adjusted to optimal levels will likely play some positive role in allowing you to maximize your genetic potential for height.
So, there you have it. The 3 best ways to increase your height after puberty. Happy growing!
Wait A Second…
What’s that you say?
You think I’m an asshole? You’re annoyed by my sarcastic answer to your legitimate serious question?
If so, please accept my deepest insincere apologies.
Because the honest truth is, there is no legitimate serious answer to your legitimate serious question.
Because this isn’t a legitimate serious question.
Because… Basically… You’re Fucked.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you CAN’T increase your height after puberty.
Once you’re done growing… that’s it. You. Are. Done. Growing. It’s final. There is not a single thing that you can do to magically change this. There is not a single thing you can do to grow taller once you have reached the height your genetics have caused you to be.
So, if you’re shorter than you want to be, and puberty has come and gone, then guess what? You need to find a way to accept it, because you’re officially done growing.
I don’t say this to be mean, I say this to provide the real, true, direct answer to your question. And in all honesty, that’s the answer.
End of story.
What’s that you’re saying now?
But… But… I Heard That I Can Grow Taller!!!!
Oh, I’m sure you did. I don’t doubt that for a second.
I’m sure there are plenty of people out there claiming there is some way for you to naturally increase your height. And, coincidentally… they just happen to know the secret and they’re willing to share it with you and/or sell it to you.
Here’s the thing, though.
Let me fill you in on a little secret about humanity, because if you’ve ended up finding this article, it’s apparently a secret you may be unaware of.
And that secret is – literally since the beginning of time – there are people who exist in this world who will gladly give you the thing you want… even if it’s something that isn’t actually real or possible.
Whether that’s more height. Or more money. Or a bigger [insert any body part here]. Or unrealistic rates and limits of muscle growth. Or unrealistic rates and limits of fat loss. Or an infinite number of other things that range from highly unlikely to completely and utterly impossible.
No matter how many of these things defy all logic and common sense… no matter how lacking in evidence they may be… no matter the degree that all proven science goes against it… there will always be at least someone claiming that it’s legit.
Basically, if you want something, someone will be there to claim that it’s real and they have it. And they’ll be more than happy to give/sell it to you.
Welcome to humanity: lying about every single thing you can think of (usually for personal gain) since day 1.
The ability to grow taller after you’re genetically done growing is just one example of many. And I do mean many.
Have You Seriously Seen This Stuff, Though?
Just for entertainment purposes, I took some time to look into the wonderful world of “growing taller” just to see some of the “proven” techniques that were being recommended by “experts” in the “field.”
- Eat a proper diet.
- Drink plenty of water.
- Get lots of sleep.
Those “tips” seem to be the most common ones.
As I mentioned before, it’s definitely possible that a sufficient overall diet combined with sufficient amounts of sleep and an overall healthy lifestyle can help allow a kid that is going through puberty to maximize (not exceed) their predetermined genetic potential for height.
But once you’re done with puberty, you’re done growing. So while eating well, sleeping well and living well are great ideas for a million different reasons, none of this shit is going to do anything to increase your height after that point.
BUT WAIT… THERE’S MORE!!
In addition to the three useless “secret” tips I just mentioned, there are three others I kept seeing show up over and over again.
One is my personal favorite of them all: hang vertically from a bar.
As in, grab a pull-up bar and just hang there in that dead-hang position.
Because apparently stretching your lats is supposed to make you taller?
Fuck if I know.
This stuff reads like the recommendations you’d get if you went up to a 3 year old and asked them how to grow taller. “Hang from a bar!”
Next up we have Ashwagandha.
Ashwagandha appears to be the magic pill of the “grow taller” world. I’m not sure how it’s supposed to work exactly (this is the point during my research where I started repeatedly banging my head into a wall, so I’m a little fuzzy on how this magical supplement is supposed to work in this regard), but the claim is that taking it will have some kind of positive effect on your height.
Which of course is bullshit.
According to the fine people over at Examine.com, Ashwagandha actually has a handful of proven benefits, including the potential to help treat anxiety and insomnia. It’s also recommended to cancer patients for its ability to “reduce immunosuppression” and “ease the pain of chemotherapy.”
But make you grow taller?
No. Not even a little.
And last but not least, we have postural improvements. You know… doing stuff that can improve your posture (e.g. improving anterior pelvic tilt, internally rotated shoulders, etc.).
While this is a lovely idea for many reasons, and yes, it can and will certainly help you stand up straighter and simply BE the height that you already are… it’s not actually making you grow any taller. That would be like sitting, then standing, and then acting as if you grew. You didn’t.